Alternate Universe News

May 28, 1999 by: Carey Heilman

Two days ago in the alternate universe, the writ was dropped. What does this mean to the citizens of
the alternate universe? It simply means that there will be no election in the near future.

Remember this is the alternate universe.

Our reporter Harry Kyleman was on the scene today at AULH (Alternate Universe Leader's
Headquarters). The mood was joyous among the Leader's staff.
Our leader, Roy the Razor Romanow, former head of the AWWF (Alternate World Wrestling
Federation) and Subway Sandwich employee of the month, had much to say.

Harry: So why did you cancel the election?

Razor: There are way to many things going on right now, such as my new plane needs an
oil-change. I just got back from Ulberta, and have to lose a few pounds from eating all that beef. There are those difficulties with labour; can you believe that some of them think that they should have human rights, input into their jobs, and equal pay?

Beyond all that these working people keep getting hurt on their jobs and want me and my minions
to do something about it! Hell, then there are all those sick and old, cripes, what a drain they are.

The list goes on and on, who do these people think I am? Some kind of God!

Harry: Since you won the employee of the month award at Subway you have come a long way,
what do you attribute your rapid advancement to the position of Leader of the Alternate Universe.
Razor: Mostly living in a world of my own! Really though, I just ignore everyone, and if they
don't like what I am doing I glare at them with this evil stare and then attack them in some way. Or as a good friend said, Deny, deny, deny!
Harry: You promised an election, and then changed your mind, what do you say to those that
are calling you a coward?

Razor: I never promised any such thing, and even if I did, there are extenuating circumstances.

Harry: When do you anticipate the election being called?

Razor: Once I have everyone put in their place and I feel confident that I can win, or if I can get a
better job, say as a roadie for Metalica or a foreign affairs guy for another universe.
We went to the streets to ask the public what they think about the election being cancelled they
had this to say.
"Who cares, there is really nobody to vote for anyway."

"What difference does it make they are all a bunch of crooks anyway."

"Why do we do that, (have elections) nobody ever listens to us anyway."

"Democracy is dead right after an election then again most of the candidates are dead from the neck
up anyway", said our political expert.
Local entrepreneur, and discount funeral home owner, Mr. Greenman has confirmed that the cost
of the funeral and burial of democracy and being nice to citizens, of the Alternate Universe has cost the taxpayers more than just a few bazillion, he added that it has also cost us our health and well being.
"Well, the cost has run into the Bazillions, and then there is the price of quality of life! I don't even
want to talk about it," added Mr. Greenman.

Harry Kyelman Reporting.