Alternate Universe News

Of Nurses and Waiting Lists


June 28, 1999 By: Carey Heilman

  Chants of "HOORAY, HOORAY!!!!" could be heard from the Marble Palace in the king city today.
  What was all the fuss about?
  The whole nursing problem in the Alternate Universe has been solved by the "rule of law" and our fearless leader Roy the Razor Romanow's decision to enact a new law.
  Our experts, who are selectively listened to, agree that there is nothing anyone can do about it, as democracy is completely out of control.
  Oh! I should get to the point.
  Roy the Razor Romanow in a bold move today has forced new legislation onto the books. Now, not only will the nurses get a huge fine for standing up for the people of the Alternate Universe and their healthcare but now their children and descendants will be conscripted into a new "army of nurses" as punishment for making him look stupid.
  The new legislation reads like this.
Bill 666 (1) of the Alternate Universe Legislation;

Starting today all first born children of the nurses who didn't obey the king (me), between birth and age 35 will have to begin their education as nurses. Upon completion of their nurse's education (3-7 years) they will be conscripted into the service of our nurse's army. Genetic testing will be done to determine if they have the proper genetic make up, as well, psychological testing and modifications will be done to ensure they will be able to handle the high amounts of stress and trauma. Those nurse's children who are unable to become nurses due to genetics or psychological make up shall work for the king in some other fashion. Resistance is futile, as the RULE OF LAW must be followed. Fines and imprisonment are your only options. Fines shall be a million dollars per week, or one week in prison for each day missed.
  "They asked for it!" said one area man.
  Another man in Groucho Marx nose glasses agreed!
  One of the first born of one of the nurses said "This really sucks man!"
  This seemed to be the sentiment of almost all, except those who are afraid of reprisals.
Waiting Lists
  Waiting lists are an ever-growing concern in the alternate universe. There was a time in one part of the universe where there was long waiting lists for everything. In this part of the universe we used to look at that galaxy with pity, we would talk about what a shame it was that those people were suffering. But that was what you expected from those Scoviets. Charities sprung up and we pulled together and helped them with food, and medical aid, as we had extra...or so we were told.
  Now we are the ones who are in need and it is urgent need. Or so the nurses and doctors tell us.
  According to the kings men there is no problem this is just a blip, and in fact it is the fault of the nurses and the doctors. They are exaggerating and stuff.
  Who should we believe?
  I asked our fearless leader Roy the Razor Romanow the hard questions. Here is how the interview went.
Harry: What is wrong with our health care system?
Razor: It is like this see...There are all these people who are ill or injured or old
and they are in need of medical attention. Then there is this other group of people who are called the taxpayers, and they don't like to pay for health care. So we have a problem, no taxes no health care! Simple really!
Harry: Aren't those same people who pay taxes the same ones who need health
Razor: Oh heavens no!! This is a common misconception they are separate groups.
You see it's like this.the sick are people who are weak, old and on welfare and stuff. The injured are the ones that are receiving SGI and WCB benefits, and they are all faking so they can get a free vacation from work, or they are just lazy scum. The rest didn't look after themselves properly so they don't deserve it. Now the rich and the privileged and the politicians and bureaucrats they don't have these problems for some reason, and if they do they have enough money to look after themselves or we look after them fist because they are more valuable to me. Especially the experts who tell me what I want to hear. So you see the waiting list is made up of people who don't pay or don't matter.
Harry: What about the frontline workers, nurses and doctors.what is you
position on them?
Razor: I am right behind them (hehehehehe!) in there efforts. That is why I have
enacted new laws to prevent them from making me angry. I realize that we have to look after them and pay them and stuff but look at what they do...they aren't really worth that much anyway! All they do is look after those whiners, faker, complainers, old, and weak, why should I give a damn about them? Only the strong will survive the new order!!! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!! Did I say that last part out loud?

Harry Kyelman